My boyfriend is a great communicator. He speaks directly and says what he needs to say when he needs to say it. The conflict that could potentially arise from speaking so directly does not stop him from speaking his mind. Over our two year relationship, I have learned that this potential for conflict does stop me; and that’s a big problem.
I think it’s safe to say that the majority of reasonable people would prefer to avoid conflict. But, conflict doesn’t have to be composed of hateful screaming matches. The conflict that is healthy for a relationship involves voicing one’s feelings and discussing differing viewpoints. When the desire to avoid unhealthy conflict becomes an avoidance of productive communication altogether, avoiding conflict is no longer advantageous. I and everyone else have heard a thousand times that talking problems out is the best way to deal with them and objectively, I do know it is the healthy way. Why then is it so difficult for me to actively practice this in my relationship? Why then is my natural desire still to sweep problems under the rug or shut down when my boyfriend tries to discuss anything emotionally difficult?
I very much doubt I’m alone in wanting my relationship to be nothing but rainbows and butterflies. But, I’m learning that any relationship, romantic or platonic, completely void of conflict is superficial. In addition to causing stress with my boyfriend, I think that my fear and avoidance of conflict could explain why I have had so few real, deep friendships. Without conflict, friendships remain surface-level.
I believe that my avoidance of conflict has made me a great listener, but a poor overall communicator. To keep peace in any given situation, I have kept my opinion to myself and instead focused on taking in the opinions of others. Somewhere in all my listening, I have lost, or perhaps never even developed, the ability to form a solid verbal opinion. Therefore, when I am confronted with unavoidable conflict from my boyfriend, I don’t know how to effectively explain my point of view. This inability frustrates him further and even gives the impression that I’m apathetic. I do care though; I’m just so stunted by my many years of communication avoidance. This stunted communication style requires assuming that he knows how I feel rather than an explanation.
As much as I resent it in the moment, I am so thankful that he does force me to deal with the tough stuff. If it wasn’t for him painstakingly prying some real emotion out of me, our relationship wouldn’t be as strong, and we wouldn’t be as close as we are. But, the painstaking prying causes a lot of stress and unnecessary turmoil. I want to develop the ability to better voice my true feelings without fear of the conflict that may ensue.
To do this, I must first be honest with myself and acknowledge that I am emotionally immature in this aspect of life. I think my need to keep the peace at any cost could be explained by my illogical fear of momentary unhappiness. Fearing temporary emotional discomfort blinds me from the big picture of how communication will strengthen love in the long term.
If I can fully convince myself that taking the tougher road of facing conflict will ultimately make my life more fulfilling, then maybe I can change my long habit of running from problems. I won’t change overnight, but I know that my journey of growth in authentic emotional expression will be worthwhile. After all, anything worth having is worth fighting for.
I think it’s safe to say that the majority of reasonable people would prefer to avoid conflict. But, conflict doesn’t have to be composed of hateful screaming matches. The conflict that is healthy for a relationship involves voicing one’s feelings and discussing differing viewpoints. When the desire to avoid unhealthy conflict becomes an avoidance of productive communication altogether, avoiding conflict is no longer advantageous. I and everyone else have heard a thousand times that talking problems out is the best way to deal with them and objectively, I do know it is the healthy way. Why then is it so difficult for me to actively practice this in my relationship? Why then is my natural desire still to sweep problems under the rug or shut down when my boyfriend tries to discuss anything emotionally difficult?
I very much doubt I’m alone in wanting my relationship to be nothing but rainbows and butterflies. But, I’m learning that any relationship, romantic or platonic, completely void of conflict is superficial. In addition to causing stress with my boyfriend, I think that my fear and avoidance of conflict could explain why I have had so few real, deep friendships. Without conflict, friendships remain surface-level.
I believe that my avoidance of conflict has made me a great listener, but a poor overall communicator. To keep peace in any given situation, I have kept my opinion to myself and instead focused on taking in the opinions of others. Somewhere in all my listening, I have lost, or perhaps never even developed, the ability to form a solid verbal opinion. Therefore, when I am confronted with unavoidable conflict from my boyfriend, I don’t know how to effectively explain my point of view. This inability frustrates him further and even gives the impression that I’m apathetic. I do care though; I’m just so stunted by my many years of communication avoidance. This stunted communication style requires assuming that he knows how I feel rather than an explanation.
As much as I resent it in the moment, I am so thankful that he does force me to deal with the tough stuff. If it wasn’t for him painstakingly prying some real emotion out of me, our relationship wouldn’t be as strong, and we wouldn’t be as close as we are. But, the painstaking prying causes a lot of stress and unnecessary turmoil. I want to develop the ability to better voice my true feelings without fear of the conflict that may ensue.
To do this, I must first be honest with myself and acknowledge that I am emotionally immature in this aspect of life. I think my need to keep the peace at any cost could be explained by my illogical fear of momentary unhappiness. Fearing temporary emotional discomfort blinds me from the big picture of how communication will strengthen love in the long term.
If I can fully convince myself that taking the tougher road of facing conflict will ultimately make my life more fulfilling, then maybe I can change my long habit of running from problems. I won’t change overnight, but I know that my journey of growth in authentic emotional expression will be worthwhile. After all, anything worth having is worth fighting for.
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