Jin Li Frick, Thriver
My youngest step-daughter sent me a terrible message today via my website contact form, filled with name calling and accusations. While she utilized a false name, it was clearly her by the tone, manner, and choice of words. Let's just say it was a very creative way to use the "C" word coupled with something about a "bag of flour". She has sent similar messages (via email and text) in the past - usually late at night - with accusations having been wronged and destroying her childhood, or expressing angst over her lost life, general hatred of humanity, and estrangement from life and family. Her disorder, while not officially diagnosed, has been challenging to live with.
Border line personality disorder or BPD is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. According to the NIH most people who suffer from BPD exhibit...
According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, to be diagnosed with BPD, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms and she suffers from many of the items listed below:
In living with my step-daughter, she alternates favoring of one parent over the other, and our family has also experienced the following:
Over the years, my life has spiraled out of control. The more I tried to control, the less control I had, the more unhappy I became. One saving grace perhaps is that her rejection of one of her parents at any given time offers a reprieve to that parent - a mental holiday of sorts. She is currently favoring her mother and is living with her in New Jersey after her unsuccessful attempts to gain emancipation. Realizing she had no other alternatives, and with the Department of Youth and Family Services (NJ's version of Child Protective Services) and the police involved, she was escorted back to her mother's home after having lived with her former best friend for a few months. It was that or face being placed in a group home with mental health professionals.
I was recently diagnosed with mild PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) resulting from the negative and intense environment I lived in for 9 years. I was in constant fear for our family, for my sanity and my young son - imagine a perpetual state of being in flight or flight mode with no positive outlet for release. At one time I had removed all sharp objects and knives in the house to stop her from hurting herself. I was strongly advised by a former psychologist of my step-daughter's (she's gone through a laundry list of therapists, switching when she doesn't receive affirmations for her behavior) to never leave her alone with our 3-year old son as she might hurt him. We had to have her take a test in order to gain approval to adopt our son. At the time we told her it was an IQ test, telling her that adoption agencies are more likely to place children in homes where their siblings are intelligent in order to protect her from the truth. The agency needed to be reassured that she would not harm him before they would agree to our adoption. I went so far as to place a lock on our master bedroom door to keep her out, and in the more recent past I tried to disassociate myself from her, emotionally distancing myself from her and the turmoil in our home.
When my step-daughter abruptly returned to NJ after having lived with us in CA for a few months, the social worker from Child Protective Services who visited our home advised that it would be better for her to stay in NJ rather than having her return for various reasons, including ensuring a healthier environment in which to raise our son. The CPS worker sympathized with the situation and discouraged enabling of her behaviors, urging me to focus on myself and our son.
Nine months later, after spending time reflecting, self-coaching, being coached by others and therapy, I recognize now that my way of dealing only brought more unhappiness and stress to everyone. I am now on a journey of healing, forgiveness and self discovery. When I say forgiveness, it is not that I am not imposing forgiveness on her as I cannot offer forgiveness to an individual who does not seek it. Rather I am giving myself the gift of forgiveness for how I handled things, my anger towards her, my anger towards the toxic relationship between her parents which either created or exacerbated the situation, and especially the blame I placed on my husband for what I had perceived to be a passive approach to the situation. I recognize my behavior only served to make things worse, and I made it about me when in fact it wasn't. As a result, I am finding a more peaceful state of living, filling my life with love and gratitude each and every day, for the kindness the Universe has bestowed on me and the support of those in the system who understand that mine had been a difficult and challenging journey. At the end of the day, as I sit here writing, I realize that I am proud of my journey, but I also know that I am still releasing the negative energies accumulated over the years. I continue to peel back the lessons offered each and everyday, but I also have the opportunity now to help others who will travel or are traveling this similar road of trauma and disruption to their lives. Most importantly, my husband and I are at peace, wholeheartedly loving each other and accepting each others faults as a reflection of ourselves. These are the new gifts in my life, but I cherish the old lessons learned as they have brought me into a higher level of consciousness and peace. I am grateful to the Universe for letting me make this journey on my own terms, and loving me each step of the way.
Border line personality disorder or BPD is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. According to the NIH most people who suffer from BPD exhibit...
- Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
- Impulsive and reckless behavior
- Unstable relationships with other people.
- People with this disorder also have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, along with self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and completed suicides.
According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, to be diagnosed with BPD, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms and she suffers from many of the items listed below:
- Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
- A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
- Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
- Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
- Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
- Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
- Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
- Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
- Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.
In living with my step-daughter, she alternates favoring of one parent over the other, and our family has also experienced the following:
- Extreme and severe panic attacks, anxiety and mood swings
- Inappropriate and intense exhibitions of anger and outbursts - name calling, lashing out, rage
- Rejection of school, friends and family
- Unclassified eating disorders from anorexia to bulimia
- Suicidal ideation
- Multiple suicide attempts
- Cutting and other self-harming behaviors
- Alcohol abuse
- Drug abuse
- Stealing money, drugs and prescription medicine
- Dangerous sexual behaviors - posting illicit photos online, offering sex ("hook ups") on FaceBook, and having an illicit illegal relationship
- 3 institutional stays
- 7 schools in 3 years, 2 of which were special education schools
Over the years, my life has spiraled out of control. The more I tried to control, the less control I had, the more unhappy I became. One saving grace perhaps is that her rejection of one of her parents at any given time offers a reprieve to that parent - a mental holiday of sorts. She is currently favoring her mother and is living with her in New Jersey after her unsuccessful attempts to gain emancipation. Realizing she had no other alternatives, and with the Department of Youth and Family Services (NJ's version of Child Protective Services) and the police involved, she was escorted back to her mother's home after having lived with her former best friend for a few months. It was that or face being placed in a group home with mental health professionals.
I was recently diagnosed with mild PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) resulting from the negative and intense environment I lived in for 9 years. I was in constant fear for our family, for my sanity and my young son - imagine a perpetual state of being in flight or flight mode with no positive outlet for release. At one time I had removed all sharp objects and knives in the house to stop her from hurting herself. I was strongly advised by a former psychologist of my step-daughter's (she's gone through a laundry list of therapists, switching when she doesn't receive affirmations for her behavior) to never leave her alone with our 3-year old son as she might hurt him. We had to have her take a test in order to gain approval to adopt our son. At the time we told her it was an IQ test, telling her that adoption agencies are more likely to place children in homes where their siblings are intelligent in order to protect her from the truth. The agency needed to be reassured that she would not harm him before they would agree to our adoption. I went so far as to place a lock on our master bedroom door to keep her out, and in the more recent past I tried to disassociate myself from her, emotionally distancing myself from her and the turmoil in our home.
When my step-daughter abruptly returned to NJ after having lived with us in CA for a few months, the social worker from Child Protective Services who visited our home advised that it would be better for her to stay in NJ rather than having her return for various reasons, including ensuring a healthier environment in which to raise our son. The CPS worker sympathized with the situation and discouraged enabling of her behaviors, urging me to focus on myself and our son.
Nine months later, after spending time reflecting, self-coaching, being coached by others and therapy, I recognize now that my way of dealing only brought more unhappiness and stress to everyone. I am now on a journey of healing, forgiveness and self discovery. When I say forgiveness, it is not that I am not imposing forgiveness on her as I cannot offer forgiveness to an individual who does not seek it. Rather I am giving myself the gift of forgiveness for how I handled things, my anger towards her, my anger towards the toxic relationship between her parents which either created or exacerbated the situation, and especially the blame I placed on my husband for what I had perceived to be a passive approach to the situation. I recognize my behavior only served to make things worse, and I made it about me when in fact it wasn't. As a result, I am finding a more peaceful state of living, filling my life with love and gratitude each and every day, for the kindness the Universe has bestowed on me and the support of those in the system who understand that mine had been a difficult and challenging journey. At the end of the day, as I sit here writing, I realize that I am proud of my journey, but I also know that I am still releasing the negative energies accumulated over the years. I continue to peel back the lessons offered each and everyday, but I also have the opportunity now to help others who will travel or are traveling this similar road of trauma and disruption to their lives. Most importantly, my husband and I are at peace, wholeheartedly loving each other and accepting each others faults as a reflection of ourselves. These are the new gifts in my life, but I cherish the old lessons learned as they have brought me into a higher level of consciousness and peace. I am grateful to the Universe for letting me make this journey on my own terms, and loving me each step of the way.
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